Sunday, April 15, 2012

Face Down

My name is Zen, it’s our first anniversary of my boyfriend I love. I bought him this couple mug as a gift. I don’t know if he will like it. “Happy First Anniversary honey!” I said while he’s busy browsing pictures from his lappytoppy. I glanced and he quickly closed it, “Its my privacy. Oh what’s in it? Tell me.” he said after. I handled him my gift while I’m staring at somewhere. I can’t be wrong, I saw a picture of him with a girl. “Hey. Honey, is there something wrong?”
“Let me see!” as I grabbed his Apple from his lap.
“Hey! Be careful!”
“Who’s this?” I asked pointing at the girl in the monitor.
“She’s a friend.”
“A friend? A friend who hugs you and acts to kiss you?”
“Why are you acting like that?! It’s just a picture! She is just my friend. You’re so insecure! The f*ck!” he said and threw his gift away. He always acts vigorously when I accuse him. He shows a robust voice and attitude, it makes me feel frightened. “You don’t need to hug her, you know you have me as your girlfriend! You’re just fooling me!! You’re playing…” I haven’t completed my last sentence, he slapped me like the previous time we argue. “You shut the f*ck up! Think of whatever you want! If you wanna leave me? Go!” he said while pointing his finger in my forehead. I haven’t said any words after his dirty hands touched my pretty face, I just cried. Cried the pain in my heart but it doesn’t heal. It can’t relive the pain I feel. He leaves me alone, sitting in this room after I gave to him everything I have. Should I have to leave him? He made me cry. It’s our anniversary today. The early days of our relationship was great. He makes me laugh everytime I feel down, he is always there whenever I needed him, he helps me even I didn’t called him, he’s so kind but after the night we had, I gave him my tightness, I trusted him my first blood, he changed like climate with no reason. Is he just using me, my body? You think he loves me? I can’t break up with him, I don’t wanna leave him. I love him.
“Hey sis, you put too much make up.”
“Really?” looking at the mirror, searching for the bruise in my face. “It’s not much, it’s just enough.” enough to cover my fears, my sorrow.
“Does your boyfriend hurt you again?” Carla said. I’m quite surprised she knows what I hide beneath this armor I’m trying to hide.
“N-no.” I murmured.
“Zen, look. I know that you’re hiding your pain and sufferings from your beloved. You need to open your eyes from your nightmare and wake your soul up. You aren’t happy anymore, you’re suffering! I am saying these because I care for you, I don’t wanna see you crying. It hurts me too.” she dramatically stated her feelings. Should I listen to her?
“Thank you. I’ll think about what you said.” she hugs me tight, I can feel the worry in her heart, the helping hand rubbing my back. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay, my tears fell as my lonely heart felt love for a long time ago.

“Sorry hon, I accused you. I should have trusted you. I’m sorry. I love you, it’s still our anniversary right? Happy anniversary.” I approached him at his place and apologize. “Its ok.” he whispered in my ear and kissed me there. It tickled while I felt his breathe in my ear. He kissed me down to my neck, and down to my cleave. Am I doing right? My head is spinning, I can’t think straight. I can’t feel my knees anymore, I feel weak. “I love you.” he whispered and kissed my lips, I kissed him back. I’m totally falling for his trap, I know it but I can’t resist. “I trust you, I love you too.” I said after a breathe taking French kiss. I can’t leave him, I’ve given him my virginity. I’m afraid who will be accepting me if they knew I wasn’t fresh anymore. And I truly love him.
He grabbed me and carried to his room. I lay down on his bed, waiting him what will he do. He caressed me and made my body arc. It’s happening again, is it still right? Am I going to let him do it to me one more time? I feel anxious about this, but it feels good. I search for something to hold on, I end up holding his blanket. Something’s underneath, it’s a girl’s underwear. He saw me and he stopped, “What is this?!” as I showed to him what I’ve got. I also saw blood stain in his sheet. “And this?!” He tried to kiss me but I refuse. “Answer me!” I shouted but he pushed me and pursued to kiss me. He tried to undress me so I slapped him and run out of his house, crying. “He is with a b*tch!” I shouted to myself. He caught me before I opened the door. He pushed me on the wall and held my shoulders, “Let me go!” “Listen to me. I love you. That was my sister’s underwear, and the blood stain was mine.” he said. “No! Let me go!” and he slapped me and act to punch me, “Do it! Hurt me more! You love me huh? Hurt me! Push me! Slap me! I love you, but I had enough.” he released my shoulder and let me go. He’s hurting me, does he feel like a man now? I love him, but it’s not right.
There are people who loves me, wherefore should I hold onto him? I can live without him. I just need to be realistic. I know, at the time of the Lord, He will show me the right man; the person who deserves my love, who will value me for who I am. Someone who will love me completely.

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